The Zumio won the Adultex Adult Trade Exhibition 2017 awarded for best new product, to which I would usually just shrug.
Don’t get me wrong – accomplishments matter – but I have seen some dreadful products and companies get some very high praise over the years, to the point where I struggle to take awards seriously.
But, in this case I applaud in agreement.
The Zumio has been completely detrimental to my review process, mostly because I’ve not wanted to climax with other clitoral toys since. I’ve just struggled to find the need.
I have been well and truly converted.
The Zumio (usually just called ‘Zumio’, but that sits weirdly with me) is a clitoral toy quite unlike any other.
Essentially a quivering rod, the Zumio is like the sex toy equivalent of being jacked off by ET, minus the creep factor but with all the wonder still in place.
But describing the Zumio as such is perhaps a bit crude, so allow me to put on my professional cap for the rest of this review.
The Zumio takes its inspiration directly from those with clits – trusting the age-old method of using one’s fingers to get off.
Working with this motion in mind Zumio (the company) created the Zumio SpiroTIP: a tip which whirls around with pulsating sensations to provide a previous unexplored method to approach an otherwise familiar form of stimulation.
Prioritising precision, the Zumio is apparently named as such because it allows you to ‘zoom’ in on the clitoris and surrounding area and they even have a ‘proven recipe’ for success with the Zumio.
I don’t follow this method strictly. Call me a rebel but I’m a fan of working out what suits you best rather than following a set guideline. However, as Captain Barbossa much wisely observed, rules are best treated as guidelines and, as guidelines, this method is pretty useful to have to hand.
What I did adhere to was Zumio’s advice to start on the gentlest setting and work from there. I may be a power queen but I’m also incredibly sensitive to pinpoint sensation and the SpiroTIP is about as pinpoint as pinpoint can get.
It’s a good thing I did, too, because usually the lowest setting is all I need.
For those more adventurous souls, rest assured – the Zumio has 8 different speed settings, which is just unfathomable to me. The person who can use the maximum setting of the Zumio is my power queen god/goddess and I bow at their feet. Just sayin’
The Zumio also has a travel lock setting, is waterproof up to 2ft, and is USB rechargeable. The charging dock for the Zumio is cute, practical, and doesn’t give away what this product is.
In fact, I’d say that the Zumio is so quirky in design that most people won’t guess what it is. You could easily pass the Zumio off as some weird new beauty or fitness product. I mean, c’mon, we live in the post-shake weight era. Your Zumio can be whatever you dream.
The buttons for the Zumio are both one of my favourite features on this toy and one of its biggest cons for me.
Why a pro? There are three buttons: one quickly turns the Zumio on and off and the other two change the intensity. Perfect.
Why a con? The buttons are high up on the surface of the Zumio and I never naturally grasp where they are. This leads to a fumble whenever I actually do want to kick the Zumio up to the second intensity. This frustrates me and kills the mood a bit.
Though the fact that this is my biggest gripe with the Zumio should speak volumes for the quality of this product.
Material-wise the Zumio is made from ABS plastic (the tip and handle being plastic), and silicone (a coating on part of the handle and control area) which makes it non-porous, body safe, and pthalate-free.
To my delight the Zumio Q&A addresses the sustainability of the Zumio and assures users that ‘Zumio is RoHS compliant, carbon neutral, uses recyclable materials, and is FCC/EU certified’. All information that makes my eco warrior heart flutter.
By this Q&A’s admittance, the Zumio is not as strong as a vibrator, nor is it trying to be, but i’ll be fucked if this actually matters.
In contrast to vibrators, the tip of the Zumio aims for a refined type of high energy density pulsations which shudder it in to a most gratifying motion. This is probably why the Zumio can also muster up to 4 hours on a full charge: the valuable philosophy of might does not make right.
I struggle to describe the sensations of the Zumio outside of the word ‘orgasmic’ and, for that, I have failed you slightly. But trust me when I say that the Zumio works for me and it works well.
Most surprisingly, the Zumio does not feel pinpoint at all. Instead it feels like it circumvents conventional buzzes and rumbles and goes, instead, for that throbbing sensation that your genitals fet post-climax and crafts them in to a potent sensation that guides your clit to where it wants to be.
This is bizarre, intense, and an utterly welcome addition to my life.
As the Zumio has depth and resonance, you can back off from the clit at any point and still feel its shuddering tough. But if it ever does get too intense the Zumio is compact and controlled enough to be easily removed.
The only other potential con of the Zumio is that it is, in essence, an alien finger imitating Shakin’ Stevens, meaning that if you try to apply pressure it will stop. But, to be completely honest, shoving an ABS plastic probe firmly down on one’s clit isn’t the height of pleasure anyway.
The Zumio was made with a gentler application it mind and it hits that nail on the head without ever having to thump a hammer down.
Now, if you’ll excuse me for a moment, all this talk about the Zumio has left me quite keen to revisit my own.
Final Thoughts (Post-Intermission)
When I first saw the Zumio my eyes rolled at the language and approached used to pitch its ‘innovative’ qualities. Now my eyes still roll back, but for an entirely different reason.
The Zumio really does deserve its innovative status – taking its initial premise and bringing it to complete absolution.
It’s a success product in every way and I highly recommend it.