Toy Review: The Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer

I’ve heard a lot of wonderful news today that has managed to bring a smile to my face. For example dogs can now officially use the self-service checkouts at Pets at Home, whereas the RSPCA have discovered a calf with the colouration of a zebra, able to product a new sleep enhancing vitamin called Vitamin Z.

However nothing can keep me cheery for too long because I had the misfortune of reviewing the Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer. Is this the worst sex toy I’ve ever tested? Read on to find out.

The Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer

I purchased the Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer myself on Amazon, which perhaps adds further insult to injury. I’ve always been warned that it can sometimes be risky purchasing sex toys from Amazon, however this really does take the cake.

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The Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer isn’t the most puzzling sex toy I’ve used, but it’s perhaps the most non-responsive.

The Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer has a simple hard-plastic body and an imitation metal section for its controls. I have always thought that adding imitation metal onto a sex toy looks kind of tacky and this toy is no exception. As for the hard plastic, well it’s non-porous, which is a good thing, however I tend to be of the mind-set that hard plastic is best used for vibrators. This product does not vibrate, or at least I can’t get it to.

This is one of the many infuriating aspects of this sex toy. It accepts batteries and it has a control panel—so I’m lead to believe that it does have the capacity to vibrate—but no matter how much I press those buttons not a single purr is mustered from the duff motor of this dismal toy. All that seems to have come from my clicking is a seamless and professional looking Powerpoint presentation, but that’s hardly going to get my rocks off.

Why this product has controls but doesn't vibrate is beyond me.
Why this product has controls but doesn’t vibrate is beyond me.

The body of the Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer is short and stout, which might annoy those who like some length from their toys. However with two raised sections and a maximum circumference of 5 ½ inches this toy does have the potential to be quite an effective little G-spotter. It’s also perfectly formed to fit comfortably in the hand, which would be great if it were a clitoral vibrator but (as said before) this toy doesn’t vibrate so I digress.

One of my main issues when it comes to this toy is that, if you want to take advantage of its (somewhat puzzling) laser pointer feature then you need to plug the attached USB stick from this toy into your computer. This leaves a giant gaping hole in the insertable section of this toy which is basically impossible to clean. I highly doubt it’s waterproof either.

With a design like this I highly doubt this toy is waterproof.
With a design like this I highly doubt this toy is waterproof.

The Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer also has three little nodules on its raised side. I can only assume that this is a pitiful attempt at adding texture to this toy but, since these bumps are in an awkward place, they hardly come into play at all. What a wasted opportunity.

These three little nodules barely seem worth the effort.
These three little nodules barely seem worth the effort.

If there is anything good to say about this toy it’s that, for some reason, my presenting skills have received a massive boost while I fiddle aimlessly with those buttons—hoping for the elusive vibrations to arrive. I’ve also found that people are much more willing to share the Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer than they are other sex toys, and a whole room of people will often use the same one without complaint. Be careful though, this toy is difficult to properly clean so body-safety is an issue.

Final Thoughts

Overall the Kensington Wireless USB Presenter and Red Laser Pointer felt passable enough once inserted but I feel like there’s something I’m not quite getting when it comes to this toy. After all, this toy has 1,140 reviews on amazon and still holds a 4.5 star rating, despite it’s failure to bring me to climax.

Perhaps I got a defective product but I got the distinct impression that I was missing the point whenever I rubbed this toy up against my clitoris. Maybe it’s time to take a break from reviewing.

So, is this the worst sex toy I’ve ever reviewed? Well…surprisingly no. Most jelly toys still come in worst for me—due to their risk of chemical burns and their propensity to melt when left too close to others of their kind. There was also another sex toy that I got from Amazon which, it turned out, wasn’t body safe at all and lead to an unfortunate trip to the A&E.

Despite not topping my charts for ‘worst toy ever’ I still wouldn’t recommend this toy to anyone. It fails to vibrate, it’s attempts at texture are laughable, and it’s slide-changing abilities seem a bit perplexing to say the least. I mean if anything this toy would work much better as a…oh wait.

Recommend to:

People who like short toys.

People with a sense of humour.

People who want to deliver flawless Powerpoint presentations with their vagina.

Do Not Recommend to:

People who want a vibrator.

People who prefer using their mouse or keyboard.

People who dislike April Fools.