Some Thoughts On: My Progress

By now I’m sure most of my readers are aware that I used to suffer from vaginismus but, despite my transparency with this issue, I’ve never actually spoken too much about my experiences with the condition itself.

When I started reviewing sex toys it was always my intention to also eventually start addressing vaginismus, and to open up about my personal experiences with it. Sadly (outside of my Sylk review) this has yet to become a big part of my blog. Regardless I’d like to take some time today to have a little look at my progress since first being diagnosed and I’d like it if you could share this experience with me.

How times have changed...
How times have changed…

It was about 7-8 years ago now when I was first diagnosed with vaginismus. At the time I was engaging in healthy masturbation (and had been doing so since before I hit double digits) but I had still never really ‘explored myself’ down there. I found out about my condition through unsuccessful attempts at intercourse with my partner. It was a devastating blow for both of us.

At the time I couldn’t even slip a cotton bud (the recommended ‘beginner’s tool’ of the time) in my vagina, let alone my own finger. Penetration seemed like an impossible prospect; an unachievable goal, a mere pipe dream. My partner and I tried a few methods to help me, but it wasn’t until he saved up and purchased a set of dilators for me that we finally made solid progress.

At the time inserting the smallest, near-3-inches-in-circumference dilator, was a daunting prospect. Thankfully I had (and still have) an incredibly supporting partner who was wonderfully patient and understanding, a book full of helpful pointers, a sense of determination, and a really good bottle of lube—all of which lead to me slowly conquering the smallest of the dilators.

At the time the experience was painful but exhilarating (but, again, still very painful). Even taking it very slowly it ached to make progress. In time I progressed to the next dilator, and then the next, taking each painful-but-positive leap towards my goal of comfortable penetration. The first time I could actually take my partner I cried tears of joy.

Sex was something I still struggled with for years afterwards, but small victories were made here and there, and sex toys proved to be a helpful aid. But it wasn’t until within the last 3-4 years or so that I transitioned from ‘comfortable’ sex to pleasurable sex. And it wasn’t until very recently that toys became a very, very accessible part of our play sessions.

Don’t get me wrong, toys were a big part of my recovery and I’ve always used them, but I think it’s fair to say that being a sex toy reviewer opens certain doors up (mainly of the rapid-sex-toy-acquisition kind).

Looking back and comparing it to where I am now, in terms of penetration, I honestly can’t believe how far I’ve come.

While I was using my dilators the Rocks-Off bullet vibes were a big help. Believe it or not I used to insert the RO-80mm in my vagina religiously before moving onto most of my dilators. I eventually moved up to the RO-120mm—which I also found to be a fantastic clitoral vibe but, at the time, it was mainly used for penetration and was an honest-to-god lifeline of hope. It’s strange to think that now I use the RO-120mm strictly as a clitoral vibe and consider the RO-80mm to be about as useful as any other generic bullet vibe (read ‘not’) but, at the time, both of them were indispensable.

When I got to the advanced stages of my dilation, and started becoming capable of taking my partner, I slowly moved away from using my dilators, especially the largest one.

I have to admit I was naughty about this.

I never got to a point where I found my largest dilator to be completely comfortable and my partner had considerably more give than the hard plastic dilator—so I often found myself skipping the uncomfortable large dilator and going straight for ‘in the field’ practice, as it were.

My largest dilator measured at 4 ½ inches in circumference.

Compare this to the maximum circumference of 5 inches for the Comet’s considerably bulbous head, 5.25 inches for the Vamp’s firm form and whooping almost 6 inches for the chunky side of the NobEssence Seduction—all toys that I now swear by and come back to frequently—and the progress becomes something that surprises even me. I can even take challengingly textured toys, such as the Virgin Mary, and am working to move up to larger sizes, such as the formidable Growler Wereable.

When I look back at how far I’ve come I’m met with a mixture of both disbelief and pride. After 7 years I can confidently say that I have a happy and fulfilled sex life, and that is something that I would have never felt was achievable when I first started on my road to recovery. Sex toys really have been a life changer for me, and it’s nice to think that they can also act as a marker for my progress over the years.

In short sex toys rock!

Well that’s all for now. I hope you’ve enjoyed learning a bit about the path that led me here.

Until the next review!

Emmeline Peaches.

  • Bex

    Congrats!! I also have vaginismus and so much of your story is similar to my own. Sex toys have helped me so much in the process. I’m happy to hear that you had the same experience with them :)

  • Congratulations! I’m glad you’ve progressed so far and thank you for sharing your story :)

  • This is great! Thanks so much for sharing. I’m really glad you’ve been able to work through this, and your partner sounds absolutely amazing.