Hello my lovelies, How are you?
I’m not okay.
Not that this post is about me – it’s about sharing all the wonderful accomplishments of others but…yeah…I think it’s worth acknowledging that.
I couldn’t necessarily pinpoint to you what has changed to make me going from being ‘Okay’ to ‘Not okay’ but I am in a very not okay state right now.
I suppose sometimes you just can’t see it coming then all of a sudden it creeps up and BOOM! All of the ‘not okayness’.
I called the Samaritans today. I love the Samaritans. The Samaritans have saved my life before. But, today, when I got through the lady’s voice on the other line was far too quiet, so I hung up. Then I sobbed.
This came after having sobbed for a very long time on my sleeping bag in my bedroom.
Which came after some self-harm, which came before some more sobbing.
My cat is extremely perplexed right now.
Or should that be purr-plexed?
Puns make things a little better.
I will be okay.
Nothing in life is forever. I’ve survived before and I’ll survive this time.
But I am not okay right now and I do need to acknowledge that, address it, and to give it (and myself) the space it needs.
‘Give time time’ as is sometimes said.
Of course I feel like a failure and a fraud. I have so many good moments, so much well meaning advice. I post when I’m happy and I share the advice I feel will help someone. But then I struggle in another moment and I look back and I see that advice and it makes me feel like even more of a hopeless failure-fraud machine because how on earth could I share something like that when I’m sinking?
I need to remind myself that I’m kind of like someone on a kayak at sea. Just because sometimes I fall out of that kayak doesn’t mean that I wasn’t still in it at some points, and doesn’t invalidate that fact – nor stop me from getting back in to it. I know all of this and yet it still doesn’t mean that I am capable of recognising it in the moment.
Instead I wallow and cry and add more tears to the ocean. Thankfully I’ll always keep one hand on the kayak, though, because I enjoy being in it and because, come the time, I will always want to return home to family and friends.
Anyway, this was a lot of long, rambling, jarble that has very little to do with the amazing people I’m going to highlight now.
Please do vote for me in the blogging awards if you wish. TBH it’s the least important thing on my mind right now, but I know that it is a great honour and I do feel gratitude for being on it, so if you want me to get further then perhaps clickedy the link.
For now it’s enough about me and on to the shares. Sorry about how top heavy this post is, and how brief the shares are. I’m working at the best level I can right now.