Low/Nobido and Sexual Identity

When is a sexual person a fraud?

When they stop having sex?

When they stop masturbating?

When they stop even glancing at anyone else longingly?

Where exactly is the line?


It may surprise many of you to know that, on the daily, I am not a very sexually active person.

Oh, sure, I can have my moments where I really want to give someone a blowjob, or where the toys are coming out no matter what but, in general, being sexually ‘on point’ is something I have to continually workout otherwise I’m prone to losing interest very quickly.

To some people such a swift decline in to sexual inactivity might be a point of distress, especially if they consider themselves quite a sexual person and/or define their identity in part by their sexual prowess.

I have seen many a sex writer, for example, doubt their credentials or position of authority because they’re not constantly in the mood to jump the next hand, technological device, or person who presents themselves as available. And I totally get it.

When we associate ourselves with a certain activity, reputation, or hobby it can very easily become part of our identity – a fundamental building block of who we are. This is especially the case if you go from someone who says “I write about sex” or “I really enjoy having sex” to “I’m a sex writer” or “I am sexual”.

The “I am” identification can be a very empowering thing but it can also be very dangerous if ever you let it consume you or assimilate every aspect of your life to meet that single aspect of your identity or life. If, after all, for some reason that thing suddenly becomes unavailable then it can very easily cause a crisis of identity. “If this is who I am” you might think “But I don’t fall in line with it then am I even me?”

The short answer is “Yes, but you may need to reconsider your priorities and position in life.”

There have been times where I have been very sexual. There have been times where I have wrote daily. Equally there have been times where I was an artist, a plus-sized lady, a runner, a gym bunny, a doctoral student and many other things.

However, these aspects of myself ebb and flow depending on where I’m at in life, what I can prioritize, and what I truly value. Sure, some are still more prevalent than others, but none of them define me and their strength of passion in my life makes me no more of less myself. They have all and will all define aspects of my identity but they are not my entire identity and never truly will be.

If anything I’d like to think that it is my characteristics and values that make up the core of ‘me’ and that I simply bring these to any other hobby or activity that I pursue. My desire to help people has always been at the heart of my sex writing, my PhD, my fitness pursuits and so much more. I may not have pursued academia but the kindness and will to help people has carried on in to other things and stays with me from my time as a diligent student and lecturer. As such when I think to that time, even with moments of doubt, I know my intentions are good and that I am not a fraud for having not ultimately pursued that direction in life.

The same can be said about times when I am or am not feeling sexual.

I personally got in to sex writing in order to help others.

I enjoy sexual experience as an act of self care but also as a way to connect with and empower others.

I consider my sexual style and desires to be kindly, giving, and uplifting. At least that’s my intention.

That will always be the case, but it may not always come out or be needed.

I am not, right now, an ultra horny Peach, and that’s okay.

It does not devalue me as a person nor as someone who highly values sexual experiences, and neither should it devalue you.

If, however, you do find that you have lapsed in your sexual desire and you want to reclaim it then remember this: Habit it the king of all things.

When we find ourselves slacking in habits or lifestyle adjustments that we have created that is when things will easily slip and continue to decline.

This is the same with sex, fitness, business moves, writing or pretty much anything else.

In order to keep on enjoying something you sometimes have to keep on going even through the hard times. Persistence isn’t always fun but habit maintenance and lifestyle maintenance is the key to long term success.

This doesn’t, of course, mean that things must be boring, routine, and standard with every sex session, but it does mean that you must strive to make relentless forward progress with your sexual pursuits in a variety of ways in order to maintain a certain degree of sexual desire. At least when it comes to some individuals.

But, really, the most important question you need to ask yourself when struggling is this: Does my current sexual situation bother me? If the answer is yes then you need to put the changes in to make things happen and really work for it. Nothing will work if you don’t, after all.

When asking this question, though, you might just find that you’re actually okay with your current sexual state and that things are working out well for you where you’re at in this current moment. If that’s the case then perhaps it’s worth taking a deep breath, being kind to yourself, and allowing yourself the space and permission to exist as you currently do with your lowbido or nobido.

As habit forming tells us, these things are never truly lost, and much like getting back on a bike after many years, you will always have sexual potency in you and nothing will detract from that. It’s just that perhaps, for now, instead of having a bike ride your body would prefer a casual stroll down the path ahead to see where things might take you at a slower pace.