Yesterday I got back from Woodhull theeeen promptly collapsed in to bed to sleep for about a million years.
But now I’m back and with renewed vigour because there is something we need to talk about.
A product that was, without a doubt, the most important item at Woodhull.
A product so significant, so ground-breaking, that it managed to get a whole room of bloggers smiling with glee without a single vibration or G/P-Spot curve in sight.
I’m talking about the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis.
Okay, hands up, this thing is a piece of shit. BUT it’s the most hilarious piece of shit I’ve seen in a while and so it gets its own review goddammit. And, yes, I’m going to give it my all. The Full Monty, as it were, in my breakdown of this bird. So let’s say ‘flock it!’ to logic and just get down to the review.
The Inflatable Wild Swan Penis
The Inflatable Wild Swan Penis (a product I dubbed the #DowntownSwan when first encountering it) is a novelty item that can apparently be purchased at Daiso, a 100-yen shop that sells affordable household items, cleaning products, and inflatable bird-shaped cocks.
Due to the relative-obscurity of the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis (perhaps a good thing) it’s very hard to convey any information about the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis outside of what I can discern from the box.
Well, okay…I’ve done my BAhons module is semiotics…Let’s see what we’ve got here:
Well, from the front of this box one can assume that the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis has two primary demographics in mind. The first is women who want to appear wonderfully dainty, femme, and skilled in the art of ballet while also rocking a raging hard-on shaped like a swan.
…I’m surprisingly okay with this so no major comments from me here.
The second seems to be older, sweaty, semi-awkward Japanese men who are balding and trying to do their best Mario ‘stache impersonation. In this, instance it seems the intention is to give such individuals pride in their otherwise flat genital area by giving them an inflated duck dong.
…I still have no words but this time it’s for a different reason.
Our balding Mario wannabe is the model for the demo of how to use this product, which is a bit perplexing to me, given that this product seems to put its Swan Lake lady at the forefront of its cover, but I should know better than to expect logic from this product.
The visual demonstration of how to use this product is at least very easy to understand, even for those who can’t read the various different alphabets which make up the written Japanese language.
Basically, the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis has a sticky section at its base which allows you to attach it to your clothing (and, yes, I do recommend clothing over your genital area because
A) Pubic hair is a thing for some people and the adhesive could cause hair pulling (or irritation in general)
B) For those with a penis you’d probably just be wrapping the Inflatable Wild Swan’s base around your own shaft, thus creating some kind of horrific cock-ception situation.
Once the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis is firmly in place there is a little pill-type-thing that you can locate in the ball section of the swan. All you need to do is press it until it snaps and then air is released, inflating the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis as best it can.
This sounds simple in practice but, let me tell you, it’s not.
We had a room of adult bloggers, sex educators, and general good-at-fucking folks in a room together and to get this birdie to rise to the occasion was a legitimate group effort. Red Hot Suz – the provider and model of the swan in question – tried her very hardest to get her feathered friend to rise to the occasion but, alas, to no avail.
Eventually I stepped in with a consensual ‘Can I touch your swan?’ and hoped that my regular kettlebell training and general ‘I work out, yo’ brownie points would be enough to get our beaked buddy to perform. It was not.
In the end, we even resorted to trying to Google how to get the damned thing to work, even pulling up a Youtube video to help us in our efforts.
During this process, someone did manage to finally get the damned thing to begin inflating but the process was slow and not at all impressive.
As we all stood there and watched the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis try to do its best impersonation of an effective inflatable swan penis we couldn’t help but let out a collective sigh. ‘Well this is incredibly disappointing’ Suz concluded, and we couldn’t help but agree.
The process to getting the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis erect is much more rewarding, it seems, than the end-product itself and the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis was banished to the wall to think about what it had done (or, rather, not done).
That being said, it didn’t take long for the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis to endear itself to us once more, There was something about the way it leaned somewhat to the side – as it if were eyeing up the door to greet new entrants to the room with a creepy Cygnus smile that would surely be accompanied by Quagmire’s voice from Family Guy.
At one point, we even resumed its original purpose, as it donned my crotch to become a feathery phallus once more. The results, I think you can agree, are majestic.
This is my life now @redhotsuz #DowntownSwan #SFSStonerGames pic.twitter.com/DRyj1JR1Y0
— Emmeline Peaches (@EmmelinePeaches) August 6, 2017
I couldn’t attest to the longevity of the Inflatable Wild Swan Penis because, if I must admit my own weaknesses, I had to leave the stoner games get together relatively early due to my jet-lagged state of existence for most of Woodhull.
Still, based on the laughter that this product produced alone I would say that it’s worth 100-yen. Just make sure to take the disappointment of its ultimate functionality as part of the amusement of using it and you’ll be in for a damned good time.
Oh, and this should go without saying but please don’t try to use this as an actual dildo.