Article: I Love Cupcakes (But Not To Eat)

Every single time I venture in to my local coffee & cocktail bar, The Lion’s Monocle, I am met with some of the most delicious and beautiful-looking delicatessens that a vegan in Devon could hope for and, every single time, I wince a little internally.

Y’see, I am completely and utterly enamored with cakes…But not to eat.

Going whole-foods plant-based will do that to you. Ultimately, I feel great about myself on a daily basis, and I get an extreme amount of satisfaction from the simple act of taking an apple slice slowly to my lips (letting its aroma meet with my olfactory system before allowing it to make contact with my desiring tongue), but the trade-off is that I cannot stand anything made with processed sugars, oils, or anything of the sort (stuff I’ve completely phased out of my daily eating practices). I still adore these food visually, and nostagically, and I endorse them to my sugar-loving friends, but as for myself? Well, I’ve tried to sample various cakes and pastries again and again (in tiny bites) and the result is similar to a dog’s first encounter with a slice of lemon.

And, yet, my love of cakes endures.

Hence, whenever I’m at The Lion and I see a sweet treat my eyes widen and I lean in at the glass doors of the sweet treat refrigerator in awe. ‘Oh, wow,’ I might utter, ‘That looks amazing!’…Then I remember that most people expect that enthusiasm to be followed through with a purchase and I freak out internally while casually standing upright again and trying to say ‘I’ll have a peppermint tea please’ in my most nonchalant tone. I don’t think I get away with it often.

But, this begs the question: If I still adore cake, but not to eat, then how do I get my enjoyment from it?

As this is an adult site I’m sure you’ve already got a few ideas swimming around in your mind.

#1 As an Oral Product

Huge, massive, don’t-you-dare-skip-this disclaimer: Most cupcakes and cakes out there contain an immense amount of sugar and therefore should never come in to direct contact with the genitals (especially for those with a vulva). Oh, and don’t even think of using cake internally either.

That now aside, cake is an amazing item to incorporate in to oral play, either directly or indirectly.

Directly, you can buy some adorable tiny cupcakes and have your partner eat them off your body: Putting a sweet twist on the ‘sushi platter’ idea that got a lot of interest a few years back. You could also take some (vegan) buttercream icing sugar and strategically decorate your body with it for your partner to lick off. Or, alternatively opt, for whipped cream with cherries to top the whole thing off.

Tell me that’s not sexy (click for the recipe).

A word of warning, though: Don’t apply more icing sugar than you (or your partner) can reasonably handle. The Betty Crocker ready made buttercream icing range is accidentally vegan. Great. Putting an entire tub on your body and expecting your partner to get through it? A teenage mistake that I will never repeat (nor forget).

Indirectly you’re looking at things such as vanilla or dessert-flavored lubricants, which replicate the taste of various cakes in their own way. Again, beware of the glycerin content in these lubricants and employ an oral dam if you know that UTIs are an issue for you.

Most of these lubricants are now too sweet for me as well, but I do still think they’re a great option for cake lovers, especially the System Jo Gelati range. Delicious (as I recollect).

#2 As a BDSM Tool

Commanding and confident I tell my foot worshiping Sub to lie on the ground before leaving the room (barefoot and considering my posture, of course). I come back with their favourite treat – a delicious cupcake – which I then place in the center of my feet. Then I sit close by, close enough that my feet can be hovered over them but not so close that it’s easy. My words?

“Give my feet the worship they deserve if you can reach them but, careful – if the cupcake drops then I return to my socks. And if you so dare as get a single bit of icing on my carpet there will be dire consequences.”

The game is afoot.

This is just one such example as to how cake can inspire domination, or create fun new challenges for you and your partner/s.

One might also place a cupcake on their sub’s posterior and begin showing their spanking skills, use icing sugar to create a trail for their sub to follow, or perhaps, as a sub, feed their doting mistress the finest handmade cake that they have (literally) slaved over all day.

The possibilities are limited only by one’s creativity and desire.

Depending on the people involved, the timely and thoughtful introduction of a cake or cupcake could also be a crucial part of the aftercare process. That sugar will give a quick release of fast-processing carbohydrates, after all, which works well for some people (at least in the moment). Plus, sometimes, it’s the thought that matters.

#3 As Smut 

Wanna know how I even started to think of cake as a BDSM tool? Three words: The Crashpad Series.

In one magical episode the above detailed cupcake spanking occurred and it was my everything. Sprinkles dropped, Birthday celebrations went forward full-thrust, and, come the end, I felt like I has been swept away to a thrilling Birthday bash myself. Plus the behind-the-scenes was (as always) an intellectual thrill.

If you love cakes and you love sex there will be porn and erotica out there for you. It’s just a matter of finding what works for you (and supporting the ethical creators).

#4 As a Tactile Experience

Sploshing is a valid form of play, and something I’m not opposed to.

Besides, who among us hasn’t experienced an immense amount of gratification from the sheer act of sliding their finger across the smooth surface of a bowl to scoop up some butter icing or cookie dough to sample? Yes, the taste is the reward at the end for most, but the tactile trigger (along with the scent and the time investment) are both strong triggers in their own right.

Whether its crumbling a cupcake between the toes, or having some squish a slice between your chest and theirs, cake is just as good as any other sploshing tool, especially on special occasions.

Let the celebrations begin!

#5 As Literal ‘Eye Candy’ 

I think by now I’ve established that it’s the beauty of cakes that draws me to them quite a lot.

I mean, just look at the selection provided by Ms Cupcake. Look at it!

Perfection!

Given the visual variety and attractiveness of cupcakes, of course I love the idea of making that sexual in one way or another. All the better if cake can be used to make myself (or someone else) feel sexy and empowered too.

This is where cake clothing and lingerie comes in to play.

Whether you want nipple pasties, a stunning dress, or the most darling socks ever, chances are that there is an amazing design out there with cupcakes or similar desserts adorning it, and I swoon whenever I see such items.

It’s my greatest sorrow in life that the Sock It To Me Let Them Eat Cupcakes socks are out of socks. Still, at least these ones are in stock.


I may not eat cake anymore but, after this post, I think it’s fair to say that I will never be deprived of this much-cherished sweet treat of mine and that knowledge, for me, is the icing on the cake.