Article: I Revisited My Old Walking Route (And My First G-Spot Vibrator) Today

Breaking up with a partner of 11 years certainly leads to some odd introspective activities.

One of the things I’ve been doing recently is trying to reclaim all the activities that I know I love doing but that I had stopped engaging with to try and please my ex.

The other was to clear out my 300+ sex toy collection and figure out just which toys I wanted and which ones could find better homes elsewhere.

And, in the process, I rediscovered my first G-Spot vibrator.

Over the years I have used many sex toys that have made my G-Spot jolt and jive as if it were an overly enthusiastic Zumba instructor (much love to anyone who fits this criteria), by the way). But, as with anything, there was an origin point to the discovery of my G-Spot and it actually came after I had started toy testing.

That toy was the Je Joue G-Kii 2.

I was uncertain about using this toy, purely because I had no idea if I could even have a G-Spot orgasm, let alone how to have one. Because of this I opted to use the G-Kii 2 alone first time round – to explore the vibrator and, more importantly, my own body on my own terms.

I can’t remember how this made my partner feel at the time, but I do remember that it was important to me.

And, when my first G-Spot orgasm came, it was like an honest to god revelation. I knew just why people ranted and raved about the depth of G-Spot orgasms. It felt so profound that it gave me flashbacks to the first time I had an orgasm: not even in double digits, I thought I had ‘broke’ myself at the time. That same feeling was present but, this time, I knew exactly what was happening and allowed myself to fully surrender to the bliss of the moment.

When our mind allows us moments of relaxation and release, and when our bodies surprise us, it’s not uncommon to feel a sense of personal accomplishment, and I certainly felt that. I was so proud of what I could produce – of the love and care that I could inherently give myself (with a little well-placed nudging, of course). It was amazing.

So, when I held that vibrator in my hand, memories flooding back to me, I couldn’t help but wonder how the fuck I’d allowed myself to get so far removed from that feeling.

‘Compare, despair’ is the term used by a lot of therapists: When we compare ourselves to others, even our past selves, we often end up lamenting. And, in that moment, I couldn’t help but think of that beaming fresh Peach I had once been compared to where I am now – confidence shot, self-esteem totally diminished, and constantly convinced that I’m unattractive, unworthy of love, incapable, and generally broken…again.

Then I thought ‘fuck it’….Literally: I decided to revisit the toy that had given me that first moment of G-Spot joy.

This time it wasn’t as difficult to get to climax: I’m pretty much a masturbation pro by now and the only thing that really hinders me is finding internal wank material that doesn’t involve my ex and, thus, sadness. And, when the moment of climax came it was…alright.

It felt nice. Pretty okay. I’ve had better G-Spot orgasms by far, but I’ve also had worst.

At first, I didn’t know what to think about this and then another description came to mind: It felt gentle.

Lying in the aftermath I realized I’d just had the orgasmic equivalent of a kindly and forgiving hug. That the G-Kii 2 had essentially placed a blanket lovingly around me, slid a cup of tea by myside and given me words of wisdom to take to heart:

‘This isn’t what you expected. It may even leave you disappointed. But things will be okay. You’ve changed. What you want in life had changed, and that’s perfectly alright. Your experiences have brought you so far in life and hardship is always inevitable. But, whenever you need it, there will always be routes to pleasure. You can always choose to take care of yourself and, should you take that option, I will always be here for you.’

Of course, the vibrator said none of that. There are some talking vibrators on the market but they’re much less supportive and much more horrific. No, what I really reconnected with was my inner voice. My sense of self-kindness, self-compassion, and self-care.

Cleaning myself and the G-Kii 2 up I stroked its soft silicone surface gratefully and placed it in my side drawer before going off for a walk. It was a route I had once ventured often but which I had neglected for far too long in the pursuit of trying to please another.

The walk wasn’t easy. It was windy, there were too many people around, and I could no longer walk the full route with a sense of thoughtful contentment like I used to. But I still walked it anyway. And, you know what? I think I’d like to walk that route a lot more often in future.

Because sometimes it’s important for us to revisit the old and familiar to really gain perspective on just where we are in the now. Sometimes self-kindness needs little prompts and conduits to really reach out to us and let our internal voice shine through. And, sometimes, we may just surprise ourselves with how far we’ve really come in life (and, yes: that can be an orgasm pun, if you wish to take it as such).

I intend of keeping the G-Kii 2 for as long as it will hold a charge. It means so much to me – not just as a sex toy or a memory, but as a way to bring myself back to that true sense of self that can get so easily obscured.

I doubt I’ll use it often, though. After all – I’ve changed.