There are things I expect as a sex toy reviewer and thing that I don’t even give a second thought.
Seeing a little bow tie on the neck of an advert for the latest Satisfyer, debuting in new penguin-appropriate colors?
That’s easy to envision.
Getting the tiny little powerhouse and seeing that it actually has a little fucking bow tie.
That’s a moment that would have even the steeliest of reviewers squealing with unexpected delight.
I lost my professional shit when I first saw this addition to the new Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation. I wanted to take it, at that very moment, and travel back in time to Woodhull to present it, squeaking and giggling to the rest of the Blogsquad, such was my excitement.
First a Swan, then a Penguin (and one much more effective than the other). It would have been too good.
But a bow tie alone does not make a product worth investing in and, although $54.99 isn’t the priciest investment for a luxury sex toy, it’s still enough to get a reasonable amount of food shopping: To be considered a luxury that needs to be justified to warrant a purchase (especially if you already own the Penguin).
So, formal attire placed to one side, is the Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation any good? Let’s break this birdie down (dickie bird bow tie and all).
The Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation
The Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation is one of many, many, many suction-based sex toys which have, by now, completely saturated the market. It seems nowadays that I am always reviewing at least one suction-based sex toy – because y’all deserve to get an extensive appraisal – but, my gosh, is it hard to add more to the mix nowadays.
The basics of the Pro Penguin Next Generation are pretty much what you’d expect of a suction-based sex toy. An open, circular area is the centre section of the Pro Penguin Next Generation, and it is to be placed down so that the clitoris is in the chamber. A sucking effect lifts the clit and fills it with blood in a similar way to the sucking sensation of oral sex, only with continual, rhythmic precision, and additional vibrations quivering and rumbling around the edges, adding to the experience.
It feels wonderful.
It feels divine.
It feels alien and unnatural, and almost instantly orgasm-inducing for most, but not necessarily in a good way.
It feels like giving your body over fully to the functions of a sex toy. Like it’s no longer a supplement but, instead, a puppet master.
For most, it’s the sex toy equivalent of that little hammer that is placed against the knee, causing your leg to kick forward unexpectedly: The sensation and action entirely tangible but the choice in the matter given to the tool rather than your brain.
If I place the Pro Penguin Next Generation down my clitoris goes wild and my muscles clench as if having a mild orgasm.
By now I’ve become familiar enough with suction-based sex toys that I can go beyond this point and seek a more conventional orgasm on top of this sensation. My favourite way to use the Pro Penguin Next Generation, is actually a bit more indirect – relying on the sensations provided by the rim and sides of the chamber, rather than a constant clit-enveloping experience – and, when doing this, I’m in full control.
But the default is that the Pro Penguin Next Generation will sweep my clitoris off its feet in a battle of movie speed romance vs. actual romance and, although some people prefer the thrill and speed of the motion-picture armour, many more like the build-up of a conventional romance, where they’re less witness and more tangibly in the driver’s seat.
This I can completely respect, and it’s up to you to consider where you might lie but, fair warning: Most people do climax with suction-based sex toys, whether they enjoy it or find it a disappointment.
As for the Pro Penguin Next Generation specifically, it also has many of the same benefits of the original Penguin. It’s compact, easy to hold against the skin, has a wonderful angle, and I can easily use it hands-free by propping in as I sit up against my clit and putting on a Crashpad episode, or something similar.
So, what sets the Pro Penguin Next Generation aside?
Many of the benefits of the Pro Penguin Next Generation are the same as its progenitor. It has 11 different pulsating modes, is USB rechargeable, and is waterproof. Waterproof use feels oddly slightly chilly – like when you sit too close to a jacuzzi jet and get the same brisk flush of slightly icy circulation – but it’s pleasant enough.
But, the key addition of the Pro Penguin Next Generation, aside from its cute lil bow tie, is the control system of the Pro Penguin Next Generation, which finally gives a + and – feature, allowing for full and intuitive control of the suction given by the Pro Penguin Next Generation.
This is a godsend, as suction-based toys can feel incredibly different from one setting too another and, if too intense, there’s nothing to it but to pull away and start again. But, now, this is no longer the case.
It is because of this that I’m more inclined to recommend the Pro Penguin Next Generation to new users of the Penguin, rather than those who already have one. If you already have one you’re pretty much set (unless the control change is essential for you). If you want a Penguin then this is worth the investment, especially if it’s you’re first suction-based sex toy.
In terms of strength, the Pro Penguin Next Generation isn’t the most powerful in the Satisfyer line, nor the smoothest. It has a rumble to it on its lower settings, which I adore, but gets smoother and more rapid (borderline buzzy but never quite so) on the higher settings. This is a shame but not something I often have to navigate, as the gentler settings of the Pro Penguin Next Generation are typically enough for me.
In terms of downsides I’d say power was one, but the biggest is probably actually that bow tie. It does nothing for the toy practically and, in terms of hygiene, is just an add on which, although silicone (and thus body-safe, phthalate-free, and non-porous, like the rest of the toy’s ABS body and removable silicone nozzle) just makes cleaning a tad more awkward.
Who knew something to cute could be so annoying?
My recommendations for the Pro Penguin Next Generation (and probably anyone looking at a ‘Next Generation’ Satisfyer remain very much the same as the last time I reviewed a Next Generator toy.
I like this toy. I like it a lot.
I had three different sessions that ended in three strong climaxes in the same day with the Pro Penguin Next Generation and nothing more. But that doesn’t mean that those who already own a Penguin are in any way missing out.
But, for those who have been craving a Penguin, now is your chance to get a version that should meet most of your needs (in terms of what it provides as standard) and I can wholeheartedly endorse this toy.
People who want a Penguin.
People who like control.
People who like cute features.
Do Not Recommend to:
People who want a stronger suction-based toy.
People who want a larger suction-based toy (for holding reasons).
People who dislike cute but unnecessary additions.