Some Thoughts On: ‘Sex’ Gifs

Hello m’dear readers,

The world is weird and scary right now, isn’t it?

I went to London for a few days and, while there, I had an odd exchange with a lovely bank assistant:

Her: So, are you doing anything exciting today?

Me: Well, I’m down from Devon to spend some time with family.

Her: Ah, Devon. Are you safe there?

Me: (Taken clearly aback)…Sorry, what?

Her: With the terrorism; are you safe?

Me: Yes, yes we’re safe. Thank you for asking.

Her: (Clearly relieved) That’s so good to hear.

It was at this moment that I decided the world would be a better place if we all stopped what we were doing for a while and just laughed at ridiculous ‘Sex’ .gifs. And, by ‘Sex’ .gifs I mean the ridiculous stuff Google produces when you look up some common ‘mature’ terms with the SafeSearch filter on and add ‘.gif’ to it.

If you’re anything like me then you’ll appreciate the results, and might just even need them tonight.


What says ‘Sex’ to you? Especially when it comes to so-called child-friendly images wisely filtered by Google algorithms. Ah yes, I know…



To Google’s credit, it also had a rather fetching image of Robert Downey Jr. advocating for safe sex but, really, that can never compare to the sheer majesty of Patrick wide-eyed, mouth agape as he finds himself imposed on this totally-safe-by-the-filters image.



This one was a bit dull and cliche at times. It’s pretty obvious what most blowjob .gifs might contain (usually involving a hand motion and a literally tongue-in-cheek action). Buuut then there’s this gem…

This is one for those that fear the machine rising is imminent. This may very well be evidence of malicious intent but it also reveals a certain ineptitude that is hard to avoid.

Mind you, there was a very good Jack Nicholson .gif that almost stole this slot.

If you’re curious then look it up, you’ll know it when you see it.

Vulva (Vagina)

Now, before you get angry at me, this isn’t a case of vagina/vulva mix-up….at least not from me.

Would you believe that a safe search of Google will reveal zero search results (at least in the UK). However, search ‘vagina .gif’ and suddenly you’ll get closer to the vulva. I say closer because…well…yeah…

That’s certainly a thing. A horrifying, horrifying thing.


Oh would you look at that. Google ‘vulva .gif’ and na’dah.

Google ‘penis .gif’ and, voila, tons of results!

Still, at least the dudes get equal treatment in one regard. Keeping it real.

Despite the memorable imagery of a head shaking slowly from the animated 3D model of a male’s crotch there was one clear winner in the penis .gif section for me:

I mean, how could it not be.


Emma Stone very nearly won the place in this little .gif excursion. Her expression when meeting food, after all, is a near perfect rendition of mine when using some sex toys.

And then Orlando Bloom reminded me of just why we all love Lord of the Rings so much:

So gloriously meme-worthy.

Never change, Frodo.


And, finally, I decided to Google my favourite PiV position and see what SafeSearch had to offer me.

The obvious came up. I mean, c’mon, nature is nature and even Google respects that.

But then something came up which was so perfect, so world-curing, that I just had to share it:

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Until the next review!