You’ve found someone that you connect with. Maybe it was in person, maybe through a friend, or maybe online. There are so many different ways to meet new people nowadays that there’s no judgement as to the method. What matters is the meeting itself.
For many people the first date can be incredibly stressful or nerve-wracking. You’re basically going in to a meeting with the notion of seeing whether or not your lives and feelings are compatible enough to merge in a certain way. That’s enough to get anyone’s mind reeling, so don’t feel too daunted—you’re normal!
However, there are a few things that will help ease those tummy flutters, and one of those is definitely learning how to approach the first date with a sex positive attitude.
What Is Sex Positivity?
The sex positive movement is a social and cultural paradigm which believes in honest, open acceptance of everyone’s consensual sexual lifestyles. It encourages the creation of a dialogue, a move towards non-judgement, and a sincere sense of respect for everyone’s sexual preferences (despite whether or not they align with your own).
Note that this includes all consensual sexual lifestyles and actions. This can include asexuality and/or any other form of sexual approach and isn’t just reserved for those who love sex and are loud and proud about it.
This is incredibly important when it comes to sex positive dating.
So How Can I Be Sex Positive On My First Date?
That’s a very good question! And the one we’re actually here to cover.
Obviously because sex positivity is dictated by some degree to your own unique approach your methods may vary but here are some generic rules of thumb that I believe work well for most people.
Be Open and Honest From The Get-Go
Yes, this includes before the date too.
Open up the line of communication as soon as you can with your date-to-be and talk to them, openly and frankly about any and all topics that they wish to address.
This may seem counterproductive—traditionally we’ve been told that we have to ‘woo’ the object of our affection with honeyed words, or to present a certain image of ourselves to essentially ‘sell’ ourselves to the other person, but it pays to break this cycle.
Yes, we all want to be loved and many of us have apprehensions that who we are might not be who our date hopes we are, but at the end of the day we can only be ourselves and we owe it to our date and to ourselves to be as authentic and open as possible. This means everyone knows exactly where they stand and it prevents bad habits building up from the get-go. Trust me—this one is scary but worth it.
Don’t Expect Anything (And Don’t Discount Anything Either)
It’s time to face it—the idea of being invited home for coffee, or buying a nice dinner for a perceived reward, or even ‘Netflix and Chill’ is just kind of presumptuous and pressure-based.
Not only does it paint dating as if there is only one goal in mind but it also means that you’re entering the date with the assumption of sex—probably sex on your terms, dictated by your preferences, and after your perceived quota of sex-worthy actions has been met.
When you put it that way it just sounds…problematic.
Much better is to approach the date with no expectations. Don’t expect sex but don’t discount it either. Don’t assume your date’s preferences and don’t assume that just because you’re going on a date that you’ll be privy to them (or to their sexual company) straight away.
This also applies more broadly too. If your date says or does something and your mind starts racing with a hundred different reasons as to why that might have happened then just pause and ask yourself—is this really what they meant or is my mind making its own narrative and rolling with it?
This ties back in to being honest and clear. If you’re not sure of something that your date does or says then just ask them rather than assuming they meant offense, meant to flirt, or anything in between.
Humans are very complicated creatures and we like to screw ourselves over a lot when it comes to flights of fancy, so check yourself before you project your own assumptions on to your date.
If Something Does Occur Then Be Open
Of course being open doesn’t mean that you have to do things you’re not comfortable with, but it does mean that what you get may not be what you expected. Heck! It may even involve a fetish or action that you weren’t even aware of (though unless you’ve met specifically to have sex, ah la sites such as meet and fuck site, then this may be unlikely) but the important thing is to not yuck someone else’s yum.
If you’re uncomfortable just say and suggest a compromise. If you’re inexperienced then let your date know about this and maybe talk it out beforehand. Honestly will almost always be appreciated and, if it’s not, then you might want to consider whether or not that person shares your sex positive sentiments and where that leaves you.
Reflect On The Date Together
No matter what happened (or didn’t happen) and no matter how things ended try your best to reflect on the date with the person (or people) you met up with.
Don’t be harsh, resort to insults, or give the silent treatment, even if things went badly. Let your date know what did work for you and what didn’t in a kind, loving, and amicable manner.
If things did go well then great! This is your chance to further get to know each other and to perhaps find out how best to move forward. Who knows, maybe there will be further dates in your future. Maybe even more. But trust me when I say that sex positivity will leave you feeling true to yourself in the most liberating and loving way possible.
Now go out there and get to dating! (If you’re in to that, that is).
This post was sponsored by meet and fuck site; a pretty ace alternative to conventional dating if you want to put the emphasis on the ‘sex’ in ‘sex positive dating’. Please do check them out and see if they have something to offer you. And, remember, sex positive hook-ups are also awesome!