Product Review: The After Dinner Nipples

I am incredibly fussy when it comes to chocolate.

I also adore it.

Give me a good bar of really dark chocolate and you’ll basically have a friend for life (and don’t even get me started on homemade rocky road *drools*). And it has to be dark chocolate too—not just because it’s usually automatically vegan but also because nothing can compare to the deep, rich taste of dark chocolate.

The darker the better.

I also have a deep fondness for After Eights.

After Eights were only ever brought in my family household around the Christmas season. Each year I would eagerly anticipate the time when the After Eights appeared in the house, would diligently wait until after 8pm, and then eat more than is probably socially acceptable.

I would allow the After Eight to melt on my mouth as I sucked it with delight, feeling its white cream release in a burst of flavor.

Sound familiar?

Oral innuendos aside, I can no longer have After Eights so this review is perhaps a bit of a vanity project.

Oh yeah, dear readers, the After Dinner Nipples (and the After Dinner Willies, for that matter) are essentially a vegan-friendly version of After Eights and I am totally down to consume nipples for my dark-minty fix.

The After Dinner Nipples

The After Dinner Nipples are described as ‘plain chocolate nipples filled with mint fondant’ but in this instance ‘plain’ does not mean milk (thank god), but rather ‘dark’. In terms of the mint flavoring you can expect peppermint instead of spearmint, as emphasized by the German description seen underneath the English on the box.

I wonder what Instagram would think of these nipples?

The box itself is a very clear mock of After Eights—right down to the deep, dark green coloration and golden descriptive text. This is a really nice touch in terms of consuming the After Dinner Nipples as a novelty item.

There’s a wonderful amount of playfulness to purchasing these nipples that plays perfectly in to the joyful wit that we should be unafraid to bring in to the bedroom. Sex is better when laughter isn’t taboo and these nipples are a cheeky reminder that even our erogenous zones can be a point of humor at times.

There’s also a large part of me that wants to put these on Instagram and see what they do. Perhaps over my own nipples just to see what happens. Alas, I’ve grown somewhat attached to my current Instagram profile, but maybe one day.

The nipples themselves are well-sized; smaller and thicker than an After Eight’s wafer thin squares but generous enough to give a nice bite-full (or a few affectionate nibbles).

I will say that some people will find that their own nipples and areola come up larger than the After Dinner Nipples and this might be a disappointment for some. Why? Because there’s something wonderfully playful about placing these over your own nipples and getting your partner to pick them up with their tongue (or a wide-mouthed suck).

Another favorite way of mine to sample these nipples is to casually open up the package and just make a display of licking at the nipple—slowly melting the chocolate with each lapping motion and providing a teasing display for anyone watching.

If I’m being honest it kind of reminds me of the Austin Power’s chess scene that I found so humorous when I was a teen, except I get to have some chocolate before fucking (a double dose of pleasure).

The chocolate itself is chunky, dense, and made from the following mixture:

Plain Chocolate Cocoa Mass, Sugar, Cocoa Butter, Emulsifier, Soya Lecithin, Flavouring, Peppermint Fondant Sugar, Glucose, Water, Flavouring) Cocoa Solids 55% Minimum.

It’s not necessarily the highest quality (as you might expect) and if you bite into this chocolate and try to chew your way to satisfaction then you are approaching your nipples wrong, my friend.

Much like the body part that they’re inspired by, the After Dinner Nipples are best enjoyed when slowly sucked upon—allowing the warmth of your body to invite the chocolate to release its much subtler intensity. Dark chocolate always does best when melted in the mouth like this, at least that’s what I find, and the fact that this plays in to a nipple (and penis) analogy is just too delicious for words.

This mint fondant is a real winner.

Speaking of delicious, the creamy mint fondant inside of the After Dinner Nipples is really enjoyable—not quite as minty as an After Eight, and maybe a bit too sweet if consumed on its own, but very well-balanced if sucking on the After Dinner Nipples. I emphasize sucking again here because if you chew these mints then the balance seems utterly off and the end result tastes dry and unsatisfactory. How you use your mouth really does make all the difference when it comes to these nipples.

Would you dine on these nipples?

So how did these nipples go down in my household? Well, there are none left, which I think speaks for itself. Mr Peaches chewed his first few and was a bit on-the-fence at first, but then came back for more. It seems these nipples are at least worth a revisit.

I personally love to bite around the areola of these nipples and then consume the fondant on its own before finishing off the chocolate. Yes, I used to do this with Jaffa Cakes. Yes, I’m weird. But is this really a surprise?

Now, if you’re a milk or white chocolate kind of person (or if you dislike mint) then this chocolate may not be for you, but what are the downsides beyond personal preference?

The chocolate used for the After Dinner Nipples is a bit past its best—not tasting entirely fresh. My chocolate was completely missing any of the detailing shown in the product images, too, which (although not a deal breaker) was a bit of a bummer in terms of the devil being in the detail.

Considering how nice these chocolates taste and how well they embody the playful, tongue-in-cheek aspect of human sexuality I don’t think this is a big issue, but for the price of this chocolate some consistency in the detailing would be nice.

Final Thoughts

Overall Mr Peaches and I liked the After Dinner Nipples and found them to be a palatable play on the sexual nature of nipples and any oral inclinations we have with them.

Novelty items are not a necessity for a healthy sex life (and chocolate is definitely not essential for a healthy anything) but, as with most things, sometimes it’s fun to just indulge a little.

If you want to be a bit playful with your partner (or party guests) and want a sexy sweet that doesn’t taste like complete garbage (*cue gummy underwear flashbacks*) then the After Dinner Nipples are a great option for some chocolaty humor.

Recommend to:

People wanting edible adult novelties.

People who like dark chocolate.

After Eight-craving vegans.

Do Not Recommend to:

People who dislike dark chocolate.

People who prefer wafer-thin chocolate.

People who see such products as objectifying.

The After Dinner Nipples were provided to me by LoveYourSelf in exchange for an honest review.