Guest Review: The Fifty Shades of Grey Holy Cow! USB Rechargeable Wand Vibrator

Hello my lovely readers!

It is my utter delight to be able to hand you over to the ever-eloquent Curious Clementine once again. This time my dear Clementine is reviewing the Fifty Shades of Grey Holy Cow! USB Rechargeable Wand Vibrator, in wake of the recent Fifty Shades Darker release. As you’ll soon learn, Clementine is not a fan of FSOG (it’s almost like Marmite, isn’t it?), but what did she think of this wand? Find out in her review!


Ever since this series became a thing, my dislike for it has been very well known among my family and friends.

I still recall my first bored readings of the first book when I worked in a charity shop; we would receive copy after copy as donations and more ended up in the skip out back then resold to customers, we couldn’t even give them away!

I laughed at the narrative, I was appalled by the representation of BDSM, and I still cannot fathom how people can find anything “sexy” about the world inhabited by two of the blandest and densest characters I have ever had the displeasure to try and comprehend; who, in my personal opinion (though feel free to disagree with me), do nothing but promote an exceedingly unhealthy relationship built upon a basis of sexual exploitation and physical and psychological abuse.

I gave up trying to read the book, in an attempt to save my sanity and what little dignity I felt I had left.

Much to my confusion though it seems to have spawned an entire industry of followers, has been followed up by sequels, and now more recently even two movie adaptions (which have been panned to the depths by critics and viewers alike, so much so that its leading actors both managed to win golden raspberries for their performances).

So when my friend Emmeline Peaches gifted me the Fifty Shades of Grey Holy Cow! USB Wand Vibrator to add to my collection, I will fully admit I was wholly apprehensive about it in every way imaginable.

For a start, just the name of it made me recoil. The thought of having anything associated with a series which confuses and irritates me to the point it does juddering about betwixt my thighs made me shudder in a very bad way.

But, I was wrong.

Fifty Shades of Grey Holy Cow! USB Rechargeable Wand Vibrator

The Holy Cow! Wand Vibrator is 9 inches long with a circumference of 6.25 inches and is completely covered in a luxurious feeling silicone. Black in color with a mirror-shine silver plastic plate on one side branding its titular name, it is a very pretty toy indeed. 8 different vibration patterns give it plenty of variety, and with a lot of speed settings ranging from a gentle rumble to a powerful buzz, it’s neither quiet nor gentle at its highest setting.

Would you ever judge a wand by its brand name?

Being encased entirely in silicone it is also completely waterproof, and though its head and handle are firm its neck is very flexible. The vibrations can be felt well from all around the head of the toy, so it doesn’t require pin-point accuracy.

It takes roughly 2 hours to fully charge for around an hour of play time, and its charge status can be seen by the blinking light seen flashing through its 3 push-button controls, when it stops flashing it’s fully charged. And to keep up with the essence of luxury it tries to emphasize with its black and shiny appearance, it comes with a red satin drawstring storage bag. Being entirely silicone however it is quite the dust-magnet, which makes the storage bag all the more important in that it doesn’t shed lint which would cling to the toy and make use a little less hygienic.

This being my first wand, my initial thoughts on usage were extra apprehensive. The brand it is associated with had already done some damage to my opinion of it before I had even tried it, and so, after the several weeks it had sat lurking at the back of my toy drawer, its red satin bag peeking out every so often whenever I would go diving for something to have some solo fun with.

This toy stayed relegated to its bag for a very long time.

Eventually I finally gave in and decided I should at least try it out before condemning it forever, so I stuck it on charge, and then promptly forgot about it.

A few days later I was off work, I had no plans, an empty house and nothing was on TV to interest me; while diving looking for a dropped phone charger I once again re-discovered this wand amongst the plug sockets and (having nothing else to do) it gave me enough of an excuse to amuse myself some other way. What I will begin by saying is: I am glad I had the house to myself.

I gave it a good clean up before I began after leaving it lying amongst the wires for a while, and then I dug out some water based lube from my drawer. I relaxed myself with some music from my Spotify playlist and lounged on my bed playing with the toys buttons to see how it worked. Its vibrations made lasting impressions on my palms at least leaving them feeling tingly long after I had taken the toy away, which gave me some pause for thought.

Once familiarised with its settings I lubed it up and turned it on at its lowest setting, and being a wand newbie I fumbled my way to a comfy positon where I could feel as much of its gentle buzz as I could manage. Which was, nice. So I was already surprised.

I had put off using something with the Fifty Shades label simply because I dislike Fifty Shades, but here I was with a toy from line of merchandise promoting it pressed up against my nethers. And on its lowest setting it was indeed quite nice. It wasn’t overpowering or intimidating at all. It gently buzzed away down there against my clitoris and labia patiently waiting for me to up the ante. And I did.

I pressed the buttons and felt the tingles increase in magnitude, with each press of the plus increasing the speed of the vibrations. Within moments I found myself grabbing at the toy with both hands to up its speed, needing to feel more of the buzz it was providing me. The higher I took the settings, the more the intense it became as I felt it deep in the pit of my stomach and through my arms right to the tips of my toes.

I had never experienced feelings like those, even to this day no toy has managed to match such euphoric tingles as this toy. I hadn’t even managed to max out its vibrations before I felt completely satisfied, and I still haven’t after several more uses since my first try with it. I hope one day I will manage to experience its maximum output as so far it’s nothing short of a tease. Kind of fitting, now that I think about it.

This toy can be a tease at times.

Never before have I felt so sorry for misjudging an inanimate object. Because it has such a label I was willing to write it off before giving it a chance, and had I done so I never would have realised how much I love it.

I said it. I love this toy. It’s easy to use, lovely to look at, feels great and is easy to maintain.

All this being said though… It does have a few drawbacks. Ones which I can’t ignore or deny as much as I may praise it.

Firstly, its buttons. As simple as they are to use, having only 3 of them, they are rather difficult to press at times. Sometimes I have found myself mashing at the buttons to get something to work because it isn’t as responsive as it could be, and other times even the gentlest press has shot me up a number of settings faster than a bullet and I’ve had to stop momentarily while I attempt to regain the gentleness. It’s less of a tease and more of a tormentor with this.

Secondly, its vibration patterns. I don’t get on with patterns. For me, they tend to take something away from the experience rather than tease me into oblivion. They just don’t work for me, and with this toys range of power even the toy itself seems to struggle with its patterns, unable to smoothly transition between them and even keep up with itself some of the time. It’s a nice thought to have so many, but while better and more refined patterns may have won me over, I’m still going to say no to patterns.

Finally, it’s loud. Really loud. While I can understand that sound is an inevitable by-product of motorised vibrations, there are ways to limit this which I have noticed other toys have managed. And sadly noise for me is a particular hurdle I struggle with and so the ever increasing volume of its vibrations can raise more than just a few eyebrows in my house.

Final Thoughts

For all of its flaws, I am still very happy with this toy. I just wish it wasn’t an official toy from the Fifty Shades of Grey collection. No matter how much I may like this toy I still cannot stand the ridiculousness of the realm ejected from the mind of EL James. It almost feels like this toy and other items from the collection are trying to make up for some of the awfulness of the books.

If I hadn’t been gifted this toy, I doubt I would have even entertained the idea of buying it. At nearly £70 it isn’t cheap, but now that I own it, have tried it, have realised its quality and have fallen in love with it, I am happy to say I would recommend this toy to others.

Recommend to:

Beginners to wand vibrators.

People who like gentle and powerful vibrations.

Fans of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Do Not Recommended to:

People who need a quiet toy.

People who need more rumbly vibrations than buzzy.

People who can’t justify paying nearly £70 for a toy associated with Fifty Shades of Grey.

Thank you so much Clementine for this brilliant review! If you’re interested in my opinions on this wand you can find them over at Lovehoney by clicking here (spoilers: I’m not as enthused).