I’ve been wanting to review the MysteryVibe Crescendo since 2015. The MysteryVibe Crescendo is a true labor of love—crowdfunded as part of a collective of London and New York manufacturers and techie whizz kids and made with the intention of providing a toy that will cater to a variety of bodies.
This really does show in the final product as well as in how the design process has been handled. Part of the reason why the MysteryVibe Crescendo has taken so long to arrive to users is because MysteryVibe have been keen to cater to people’s feedback from the very beginning. A perfect example of which would be the material used for the MysteryVibe Crescendo.
At first the MysteryVibe Crescendo was going to be made of TPE (something I mentioned in my Some Thoughts On… post) but since then MysteryVibe have really taken on the adult community’s feedback and launched with 100% body-safe premium skin-feel certified silicone which has actually been tested to work with the bendability of the Crescendo. A company that takes on feedback at every stage of production is worth supporting in my book. And this is where I have a bit of a conflict.
Look, real talk time. I love my Crescendo for its amazing flexibility. I don’t think I’ve had this much conventional ‘fun’ with a sex toy in a very long time and I think this is probably the closest a bending toy has been to actually fully perfect for me. But there are also a lot of flaws with the Crescendo which make me really hesitant to recommend it as things stand.
Let’s get right in to the particulars, shall we?
The MysteryVibe Crescendo
The MysteryVibe Crescendo is a sex toy made to be all about you, and I do mean you—the reader, looking at this review right now.
How is this possible? How can one toy cater to each and every one of you (or at least aspire to)?
Well, as I’ve said before, the Crescendo actually has a completely bendable shaft equipped with six independent motors that run the length of this shaft to create an extremely versatile and highly customisable sex toy experience. Because of this the Crescendo is not limited to the conventional ‘men’ and ‘women’ sex toy categories which plague the sex toy market (due to the pesky necessity of catering to SEO) and instead opens it up to all kinds of bodies and uses.
The only use that really isn’t advised is anal, due to the lack of a secure flared base on the Crescendo, although individual users can approach the Crescendo as they wish (just don’t say I didn’t warn you).
When first seeing some of the diagrams of how the Crescendo could be used I was pretty skeptical about some of them. Have used a few bendable toys now I’ve found many to either be too clunky, too terrifying to bend (especially as they’re usually rather pricey), or too prone to losing their shape. The Crescendo falls victim to none of these pitfalls and is effortless to click and bend in to its chosen form. It kind of reminds me of the old bendable bracelets I used to get at a kid except with a much higher production value.
Whereas apprehension has always plagued my use of bending toys I really do have no such concerns with the Crescendo, and its ability to be shaped in to so many different positions really does lend itself to an incredible array of play types.
But before I get carried away let’s briefly talk specs.
The Crescendo comes in at 9 inches in length and has a maximum diameter of 1.75 inches for what I consider to be the clitoral section for my body and a minimum of 1.25 at its G-Spotting tip. The Crescendo is covered in silicone—and this feels wonderfully matte smooth and grips well during use (while remaining lint-free)—but the internal section houses a firm bendy section and the motors. The Crescendo has 6 motors, 4 of which are classed as ‘high intensity’ and 2 placed at either tip of the Crescendo which have MysteryVibe PowerBoost Technology to make them even more potent.
The Crescendo is completely waterproof and USB rechargeable. Because MysteryVibe understand just how exciting getting a new luxury toy can be the Crescendo comes partially pre-charged and is good to go. The charging itself is done through a swanky wireless USB base which works efficiently and helps give this sex toy a sense of quality and technological progression.
Because the Crescendo can be hooked up to and controlled with an app (via Bluetooth) it actually has some pretty powerful tech included to save any of the patterns that you devise on the app. This includes a 4GB SD card, which is insane to think about.
Their FAQ is well-made and full of lots of handy and straightforward information. This really did make using the Crescendo easier because, I’ll be honest, neither the buttons nor the app are intuitive to me. This is especially the case when using just the controls in a dimly lit room, which can be a nightmare at times if you value consistent and precise vibrations.
Of course the Crescendo does make a clicking noise when being put in to some positions but I have never seen this have a negative effect on the performance or durability of the vibe (just please don’t try and bend it side-to-side).
Getting back to vibrations, this is where the Crescendo starts to become a bit hit-and-miss for me. Oh god, do I ever love the reverberating and shivering resonation that comes from having 6 motors simultaneously feed off of each other. Multiple motors are something I’ve always adored and the Crescendo takes this premise and ramps it up by about 3 times more than any other vibe on the market. The vibrations themselves do have a rumble to them, and the 2 PowerBoost motors are noticeably stronger—which is always good for a power queen—but strength is also where the Crescendo falls down.
Put simply, the Crescendo’s vibrations simply feel too mid-range and shallow to actually provide substantial stimulation for me. The clitoral motor comes close when used solo but that’s all it will ever get—close. Because of this I’m often left using the Crescendo as a G-Spot vibrator while using a wand on my clit.
Part of me feels like this is a crying shame—given the theoretically vast array of shapes and purposes the Crescendo can achieve—but another part of me says “Well, no; this is you using the Crescendo exactly as you want it and how you want it, which is precisely what it was trying to provide”. When it comes to individual users I think it will be up to personal preference for vibration intensity and positioning. That’s what the Crescendo is about, after all, and it’s up to you if what it provides is worth its rather substantial $199 price tag.
But what the Crescendo lacks in strength for me it makes up for in terms of effectiveness in providing incredibly intense and truly custom-feeling climaxes. When I bend my Crescendo in to place I really do feel as if I’m shaping my pleasure. It is quick, easy, and precise and always hits the mark as a result. Without fail the Crescendo has been able to give me the kind of shuddering, intimate orgasms which leave me thanking its makers for bringing something so truly joy-inducing in to the world.
You see my conflict here.
In terms of other downsides there is only one, but it’s a biggie.
The Crescendo markets itself as being potentially quiet but with no noise filter for the stronger settings. Well no. It’s just loud. Always loud. In every instance. Yikes.
In true 2016 fashion I’ve been shamelessly indulging in Pokemon again (both GO! And the newest DS games) and I can’t help but liken the sound that the Crescendo makes to this aesthetic qualities of this particular pocket monster:
It’s just annoying. Whiny on the lowest settings, and sometimes shrieking on the loudest. It sounds like it’s dying, or sulking, or perhaps a bit of both. It has the sex toy audio equivalent of a tantrum going on and it can be a real mood-killer at times (especially if, like me, you’re trying to go max power). Combine this with a wand vibrator (or something else clitorally) and there is no way that you’ll get away with discreet use. You might as well be taking up Avenue Q’s philosophy because MysteryVibe sure as hell have, for better or for worst.
Beyond this, though, I really do like so much about the Crescendo, not least of all just how easy it is to bend in to any shape I desire in a split second whenever I wish. This toy doesn’t just have physical staying power, but mental too.
The MysteryVibe Crescendo is perhaps the most conflicting toy I’ve tried all year. No other toy has brought me such great orgasms with so many faults, and the fact that this vibrator is made by some truly amazing and thoughtful people just adds to the conflict.
Ultimately I am left feeling like this:
The Crescendo is definitely made with a vast array of users in mind. But although it works for me its collective pitfalls stop it from feeling like it’s ever truly been made for me. It is the very epitome of ‘no toy is perfect’ while also demonstrating why striving for perfection isn’t possible, or even necessary.
This toy works but it needs work. Whether or not its current level of performance is suitable for you, well, that’s entirely up to your body.
People who like mid-range vibrations.
People looking for a bendy vibe.
People who like app controls.
Do Not Recommend to:
People who need power/depth.
People who value discretion.
People who value easy controls.