As I removed the Alan from my thoroughly satisfied vagina the other day Mr. Peaches let out a chuckle and followed by a light tease: ‘Haven’t you tested that one enough?’
I snickered back and we bantered playfully for a while but we both knew the truth: he was absolutely right.
Ever since I received the Alan to review I’ve used it more than only of my other insertable testers. That’s not to say that those testers are bad, or even less desirable, it’s just there’s something about the Alan which is intrinsically fuckable. It’s not just a dildo. It’s an everyday dildo: The kind you return to again and again for its gentle qualities and consistency. The Alan is not the most mind-blowing toy I’ve tired, but it is one of the most reliably satisfying in a standard sense and this, ironically, makes it one of the most addictive too.
As a sex toy tester that’s a problem. By virtue of our role we often have to try a toy, write about it and then move on to the next toy in the testing line. This means that sometimes, even if we absolutely adore how a certain toy feels, we may not be able to revisit it for a while as we move on to our next review product.
The Tantus Alan
If I didn’t know better I’d say that the Alan avoided the name (Average) Joe purely because it would be a bit of a cliché. However the Alan was actually named in tribute to a real person (though the dildo isn’t moulded) after them. Buuut as a Brit I also can’t help but think of this too.
I feel like in recent years the term ‘average’ had received quite a lot of negative connotations, but I use it in the most flattering way possible when it comes to the Alan. The Alan is a mostly-straight, 6.5 inch dildo with a 1.54 diameter and a reasonably shaped coronal ridge. By all intents the Alan is an incredibly standard looking dildo, but it’s the average aspect of the Alan which makes it stand out so much. This dildo is the quintessential average dildo; it takes the formula and perfects it to the point where I would probably be fine using the Alan and nothing but the Alan as my go-to dildo for a month straight. Heck, I basically already have!
Still, that’s not to say that the Alan doesn’t have distinctive features. It’s incredibly realistic-looking dual density design can trick both the eye and any chosen orifice into having a very natural-feeling experience with this toy. Tantus’ dual density design leaves the external silicone on the Alan feeling lovely and squishy whereas the firm inner core underneath makes it feel substantial and stable during use. Combined that Alan provides an experience which really does stand out compared to dual density silicone.
Silicone as a sex toy material is non-porous, phthalate-free and completely body-safe and Tantus uses only the finest Ultra-Premium silicone for their toys. However, because the Alan is so detailed it does require an incredibly thorough clean in order to make sure it’s 100% ready for use each session. Thankfully the Alan can be boiled and is dishwasher safe, which will be reassuring for some. I personally use soap and water with varying degrees of success. Sometimes I need to rewash my Alan, other times I was thorough enough.
Another distinctive feature of the Alan is how versatile it is. The Alan has a little hole in the base which makes it compatible with a suction cup or a bullet vibrator. Both of these are included with the Alan, really unlocking its potential. The bullet included is a little too weak for my personal tastes but the Alan can also accommodate the Tango, making for a flawless vibrating experience. The Alan is also compatible with my self-propelled fucking chair which is pretty much the best thing ever. I swear when I attach the Alan to that chair I become an incoherent mess, but I digress.
In addition to being useable as a standard dildo, a vibrating dildo, and a section cupped dildo, the Alan also has a flared base, making it harness compatible and anal friendly. Is there anything this dildo can’t do?!
All of these additional features really do bring out the best in Alan, but the basis for these enhancements is the Alan itself; a dildo which manages to be both unassuming and utterly compelling all at the same time.
The Alan is not too small, but neither is it overly girthy. It doesn’t have a substantial G-spot curve but the gentle coronal ridge combined with the grabbing texture and softness of the Alan’s silicone provides ample sensation. It can vibrate if you want it to or it can just be a good old fashioned dildo. It’s soft and straight enough for easy thrusting while having a firm core that makes this easier. The very feel of the Alan hits that happy middling point in the exact right way to allow for a wonderfully comforting and pleasantly fulfilling sensation.
My orgasms with the Alan have never been what I would term ‘earth shattering’ but they are still perfectly fulfilling and impressively prolonged. There was one point where I started orgasming with the Alan while Mr. Peaches and I were kissing and Mr. Peaches suddenly stopped, explained he had something in his eye, cleared out his eye and then resumed and throughout the whole thing I was still having an orgasm (and continued to while I also debated whether or not to include this anecdote in my review).
This potential for prolonged orgasms is basically built in to the design of the Alan. Alan orgasms provide the muscle contractions that you hope they would but they never challenge these contractions with additional girth or a design that’s too slim or to smooth. The grabby silicone keeps providing stimulation with each clench, too, allowing for a continued stream of enjoyment that encourages more muscle spasms. It’s a perfect combination really.
Now there are downsides to the Alan but, apart from the cleaning difficulties, I would term most of them as personal preference. If you want a girthy toy then the Alan isn’t your friend. The same goes if you want a smooth toy, an overtly textured toy, a toy with more of a curve or a toy with a tad more definition on the head. However if you change these things then you’ve essentially just made a brand new toy; one that would probably lack some of the versatility that the Alan champions, too. For me that’s a trade-off I’m just not prepared to make.
Overall I was thrilled with the Alan and my sadness that our tester-period has come to an end should be pretty damned apparent. There’s no Honeymoon period either *sniff*
The Alan is a wholesome hunk of silicone that feels as dreamy as it does natural. With a vibrating bullet, a suction cup AND harness compatibility the Alan provides a completely versatile experience making it suitable for all occasions. The subtle head of the Alan and its gently textured shaft provide an almost tender experience during use, but that doesn’t mean it can’t provide a strong finish. Orgasms with the Alan warm my heart, leave me throbbing and always tempt me back for more. I hope you can get the same amount of pleasure and comfort from this delightfully average dildo.
People who like standard sized/shaped dildos.
People who like dual density.
People looking for a good all-arounder.
Do Not Recommend to:
People who don’t like realistic toys.
People who prefer a curved dildo.
People who don’t want/need a suction cup and bullet compatible toy.
Tantus provided me with the Alan in exchange for an honest review. If you want to thank them and support my blog then please do consider using the affiliate links provided in this post to make your Tantus purchases.