Some Thoughts On: The Wahl 2-Speed Massager

The Wahl terrifies me. I’m not even kidding. It legitimately scares me.

I had such ambitions for the Wahl, but the reality was far from my high expectations.
I had such ambitions for the Wahl, but the reality was far from my high expectations.

Now, when I first started reviewing sex toys I was confident that I would love the Wahl. Many other reviewers whom I respect and admire have spoken about the amazing, powerful sensations that the Wahl provides so I was craving it basically from day one.

In fact I was so confident that I could review the Wahl (and that I would love it) that one of my first Tweets was a nod to the review of it that I had planned.

How young. How foolish.

As soon as I got the Wahl I had my doubts. It looked more like a gun than a pleasure device. Still I didn’t let that to deter me—not all sex toys are going to win beauty awards after all.

That being said the Wahl was never meant to be a sex toy. Along with the Hitachi, the Wahl is a massager that got repurposed when people realized it could cause pleasure when applied to their genitalia (even though the handbook vehemently advises against this).

But, again, this sexual appropriation didn’t deter me from using the Wahl. In fact, considering how wonderful wand massagers are, the backstory of the Wahl just made me more excited to try this device….Then I turned it on…

When I first went to turn this toy on I put one of the attachments on (as firmly as I could) and decided to start with the lower setting. As soon as I flipped the switch I physically jumped at the noise of the device and the attachment popped off and was flung across the room.


After some adjustments I turned the Wahl on again but the attachment was adamant in escaping the head of the device and, frankly, I don’t blame it.

Eventually I decided to try a different attachment (which fit better) and started experimenting with the Wahl.

After having heard and felt the Wahl in my hand there was no way that I was going straight for my clit with this device, so I decided to layer some towels over my vulva and start like that (I may be a power queen but I’m not above admitting that, sometimes, baby steps are the way to go).

The lower, buzzier setting burnt. It felt so rapid, so frantic that it skipped pleasurable and went straight to pain. The sensation was similar to getting carpet burn, and was not at all pleasant.

Some of you may think that this might have been caused because of the towel buffer, but I tested this setting on bare skin and the results were basically the same, except more painful. I also got the standard Wahl, not the one with a heat setting, so this was just the natural sensation I got from this device.

I had high hopes for the higher setting but, alas, I was left sorely disappointed…or maybe just sore…actually both.

The higher setting felt like it was trying to beat an orgasm out of me—like it was physically ramming into my clit and just hoping that pleasure will ensue. For me it did, sometimes, but most of the time it was just painful and, for the rare times I did get some pleasure, it just wasn’t worth it.

One time (when I was actually enjoying the sensations of the Wahl) I accidentally went to wrap my hands around the head of the Wahl (something I tend to do with most toys I use) and got my fingers repeatedly mashed before I could pull them back away in agony. It was my own damned fault but it still left me with a healthy fear of this device.

On top of all the pain that the Wahl provides me with this toy is incredibly loud. It’s easily the loudest pleasure (pfft) device I own—as it sounds akin to a power tool on crack. The noise is the primary reason that I flinch when turning on this device. It was so surprising to me the first time I turned it on, and it still gets to me today, especially seeing as I’ve read reviews that say the Wahl is relatively quiet. Really!?!

The only adult product I’ve ever used that has been louder is the Sybian, and that’s a friggin’ fully kitted sex machine.

When I was having no luck with the Wahl as a sex toy I decided “Well at least I can use it as a massager” and tried to use it to help the pains I often get in my shoulders. However, the sound of the Wahl was so loud that I actually had to stop using it this way because it caused my ears to ring.

Here’s a quick clip of my Wahl and I have a serious question for other Wahl owners.

Have I got a defective Wahl here or are they honestly meant to be this unbearably loud?

I’m seriously asking here, because every time I turn this device on it sounds like I’m about to engage in some heavy duty DIY. I can’t imagine anyone ever considering it a relatively quiet toy.

Combine the noise levels of the Wahl with the mostly painful experiences that I’ve had with it and I’m left with a product that I just can’t use, let alone review.

A friend of mine asked me “How bad could it really be?” so I whipped the Wahl out and turned it on for them to see for themselves. They said that if the Wahl ever tried to go anywhere near their genitalia then they’d put a restraining order on it, and (all things considered) I thought that sounded like a damned good idea.

  • I shouldn’t laugh at your pain but this was all hilarious. I fell in love with mine when I first got it and it’s still what I pull out when I want to get off quickly, but it’s not an everyday vibrator for me.
    Mine is no where near that loud, but it’s been pointed out before that some Wahls are quiet and others are loud.

    • emmelinepeaches

      I was hoping that some humour could come from my otherwise horrendous experiences.
      I’m glad the Wahl worked for you. I guess non-sexual massagers like this can sometimes be a gamble when it comes to personal preference.

  • clk

    I bought mine to use as a vibrator but honestly don’t know it ever made me come because the sensation was TOO overwhelming and any orgasm didn’t really stand out amongst all the business going on in my crotch.
    And loud? Like a jet taking off. I was too embarrassed to use it if anybody was in the same house. Or street, even.
    So I figured that I might use it, like you, for its original purpose, and I do love it for that. But again, like you, the loudness inhibits me.
    It’s ironic that I can’t relax enough into the message to groan with enjoyment because the loudness of the device means that it will be heard and even though I am NOT using it for mastubatory purposes, people do and people know they do, and I don’t want people to hear the noise and my groans and think I am using it for that purpose because I am not (even though I have in the past but I was considerate then, as considerate as you can be with a rocket launcher in the lady bits), not that there’s anything wrong with that, AT ALL.
    Phew. God, my mind is a complicated thing and trying to explain it is tedious all round.
    tl;dr: the Wahl is really loud, it doesn’t work for masturbation, masturbation is awesome,

    • Thank you for taking the time to reply!
      I have to agree with you, the noise from the Wahl is just a real killjoy no matter how you look at it.

  • jj

    I had a completely silent one about 15 years ago that’s since been discontinued. I’d heard that the newer models were louder, but the one I got a few months ago is pretty quiet, much quieter than the one in the video, though it looks exactly the same! Weird. However, the third one I just got is much louder, about as loud as a Magic Wand. And it looked exactly the same as #2 on the package, and it’s from the same store. It seems to vary a lot. For what it’s worth, I just noticed that on the box, it says, “Product in package may not be exactly the same as photo due to continuous improvements to the product.” Huh. My loud-ass one looks like the one in the video, but it has a slightly different switch, flat with ridges on it. My quiet one looks exactly like the one in the video.

  • camilla

    These inits vary a lot due to lousy quality control but no problem as the loud and violent ones can be tamed just as any weak and whimpy ones can be given more grunt. Issue is how close the bracket that holds the attachment is to the coil motor. Unit too loud and rough then bend the arm out a 32nd to a 16th. Too weak then bend it back in a little. Do the adjustments with the power off and cord unplugged and reassemble before testing it may take a couple of goes to get it sorted to your exact needs but it is so so SO worth it.


    • homasapiens

      thank you Camilla!
      I was talking to someone about how much she loves hers– and hers is probably 40 years old, I kid you not. So I started looking them up. I was saddened and surprised to hear that they were that loud, hers is nearly silent. You’ve given me the courage to buy one, with the notion that I can fine tune it to match my preferences. :)

  • sayitwithsarcophilus

    Mine is fairly quiet when the cord isn’t kinked, and it’s a deep hum, not a power tool.
    There was a discussion of this in the comment threads of Epiphora’s review. I think that there’s a piece of padding somewhere in the internal workings, and if that gets dislodged or was never installed properly, the innards rattle together, the Wahl is a lot louder, and the vibrations have a harsher feeling.