Toy Review: The Virgin Mary from Divine Interventions

Those who are offended by religious toys best click off of this review now.

Divine Interventions were kind enough to provide me with the Virgin Mary free of charge, in exchange for an honest review.

I have to admit, the first time I heard of Divine Interventions was through Russell Howard’s good news, during his ‘Christian sex shop’ skit.

While I found this hilarious at the time it is a bit off the mark. As such I’ll try to do my best at describing Divine Interventions in more detail.

Divine Interventions

Divine Interventions is a quick-witted sex toy company that produces a reasonable array of sex toys, including ‘religious toys’ such as the Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus butt plug.

Demonstrating their humour from the get-go, Divine Intervention’s obligatory ‘WARNING’ page provides two different links—one for those who are offended by their products, and one for those who are under 18 years of age. Those who were offended find themselves redirected to the Discovery Channel, whereas those under 18 get treated with Discovery Kids.

Needless to say, this company keeps a light-hearted approach to what they do.

Comedian Russell Howard also spoke too soon when he declared the company Christian-exclusive and recoiled away from the notion of a Buddha product. In fact Divine Intervention’s religious toys comprise of a variety of products from different religious backgrounds—including traditional Christian toys such as Jesus crucified and the Bible, but also products such as the more nonspecific Grim Reaper, a Shiva egg and, yes, even a Buddha dildo.

For those who want to avoid such blatant blasphemy, Divine Interventions also stock ‘Non-Denominational’ toys (in case you didn’t already get that they were having a laugh)—including a Celtic dildo, the Stallion & Colt, and a dildo titled ‘God’s Immaculate Rod’.

Each of these sex toys is lovingly crafted from silicone—making it skin-safe, latex-free, and all around good for the long haul. However, to quote Divine Interventions:

“Never use with silicone based lubricants unless you want to make out with the wicked witch o da west.”

All of these silicone toys can be washed with soap or toy cleaner and water. However Divine Interventions recommends boiling their toys in a pan for three minutes to get a thorough clean. When dealing with the Virgin Mary I can understand why this might be…

Virgin Mary

There’s no mistaking this dildo.

Part of the appeal (or deterrent, depending) of this toy is naturally going to come from the fact that, as well as being a dildo, it’s also a detailed sculpture of the Virgin Mary.

There’s no getting around it.

The Virgin Mary has a lot of established iconography and ideology around her and, for some, the very notion of performing a sexual act on something that is directly associated with the Virgin Mary can conjure up a sense of taboo that is incredibly arousing.  Meanwhile others will be drawn to this toy because of the novelty of such a notion, and some might purchase it for different reasons (such as a love of texture, or just a general appreciation of the attention to detail that has clearly gone into this dildo).

As such the appearance of this toy matters—it’s a big selling point and it needs to hold up to scrutiny if it’s going to work effectively. So, does this deliver aesthetically? I am delighted to say that it certainly does.

The details on the Virgin Mary don’t disappoint.

The detail on the Virgin Mary is impressive. From her hood, to her facial features, to her praying hands, clearly no expense has been spared when making this toy hold an uncanny resemblance to a religious icon. However, far from just aesthetic, a lot of the choices in terms of form and design have a practical purpose when it comes to this toy.

For example the back of Mary’s robes turn into symmetrical ridges that run down either side of the toy. These ridges are incredibly prominent and provide a delectable wave of rolling texture when in use. To me this clearly shows that Divine Interventions knows how to strike a balance between creating detailed novelty dildos and making sure that those dildos are legitimately pleasurable during use.

The details on this toy are certainly put to good use.

Providing a reasonable 7 ¾ inches in length (from tip-to-base) and sporting a 1 ¾ inch diameter The Virgin Mary isn’t necessarily suitable for those who are new to dildos, or prefer slimmer toys. This toy is in no way Size Queen huge, but the texture that it provides does make it feel bigger than it is and provides a challenge for those with little experience with texture. The Virgin Mary’s legs have been replaced with a weighty set of balls which provide a nice gripping point and allow this dildo to stand independently.

The Virgin Mary possesses some reasonably sized balls at its base.

Texture is a word that stands out with this toy. Of course, when your toy has a full face, shrouded in a rippled cloak, topped off with praying hands, you’d be a bit disappointed if you couldn’t feel anything at all. But the Virgin Mary doesn’t just provide texture, it revels in it. It celebrates every single crafted detail and provides you with a veritable cornucopia of textured delight. Almost every inch of the insertable part of this toy has some texture to it and it wants you to relish it—to take it all in until you’re floating on a cloud of sculpted satisfaction.

Sadly this heavy emphasis on texture provided by the highly detailed features of this dildo might leave people who dislike texture out in the cold. Put simply if you really dislike texture this toy probably isn’t for you.

When using this toy I had doubts about the direction of its curve. “Surely”, I thought, “This won’t touch my G-Spot at all—it’s like the reverse of what I want”. However, in use I was pleasantly surprised.

The Virgin Mary’s ‘love bump’ (that’s what I’m calling her chest, because it literally looks like a heart) actually sits quite nicely on my G-Spot when inserted—naturally sliding into place, with the curve emphasising this connection. Meanwhile the head of the Virgin Mary stimulates me in the opposite direction, providing internal dual-stimulation that’s not unlike what I felt with the G-Vibe.

The Virgin Mary’s ‘love bump’ produced pleasurable results.

When I tried flipping the Virgin Mary around (to, what I assumed would be, its ideal G-Spotting position) I found that the Virgin Mary didn’t work as well for me. I guess this shows that even sex toy reviewers can still have a lot to learn about their body. Nevertheless using the toy this way was still pleasurable, and showcased the rippled texture of the shaft.

In spite of all this I’m afraid to say that my orgasms with the Virgin Mary weren’t mind blowing. They were nice (and I certainly was able to orgasm with this toy) but they weren’t as strong or a gratifying as those I might get with other toys that provide stronger, firmer stimulation to my G-Spot. Still the texture of this toy is undeniably admirable, and I know that those who value texture in their toy will most likely find the Virgin Mary a God-send.

As well as being incredibly textured, the details on the Virgin Mary dildo are practically artistic.

Aside from my vagina’s personal indifference, there is another downside to this toy, which I feel the need to highlight.

Because the Virgin Mary is so detailed you need to be incredibly thorough when cleaning this toy. This is only amplified by the fact that, as a silicone toy, the Virgin Mary is a dust magnet. This probably shows in some of my photos—which are testament to how hard it is to keep this toy clean (even for a single photo-shoot). This, I suspect, is why Divine Interventions recommends boiling their toys for optimal cleanliness. With the Virgin Mary’s intricate facial features and fingers she can attract a lot of hidden dirt that might be missed on a surface clean. This is definitely something to keep in mind when buying this toy. However, this isn’t a major downside as much as it is a care-warning. The acts you perform with the Virgin Mary might be perceived as dirty but that’s no excuse not to keep this toy squeaky clean.

Final thoughts

Needless to say the Virgin Mary is a toy with a very specific audience. It’s unashamedly tongue-in-cheek while also providing a pleasurable experience for those willing to give it a chance. If texture isn’t your thing then, chances are, the Virgin Mary is best forsaken. However, if you love textures, enjoy exploring new sensations, or simply crave a sacrilegious sex session then the Virgin Mary might just be a blessing for you.

Recommend to:

People who appreciate texture.

People who want to try something new.

People who find the concept appealing.

Do Not Recommend to:

People who dislike texture.

Beginners to dildos.

People who find the concept offensive.

  • The balls at the base make me giggle, but it’s really an amazing sculpture. I’m really impressed with the detail they put into their toys, and the silicone is nice.